The Barn Owl Conundrum

How many fully live American Eastern Barn Owls can reasonably be fit into a mid-nineteenth century artisanal, northern Finnish, lower flatlands region, 16 x 8 inch (40 x 20 cm) standard hinged, well-fixtured breadbox using no more lubricant than half a container of slightly warmed, vigorously whipped Vaseline® Intensive Care™ Even Tone Body Cream, while accruing total feather losses no more than sixteen Contours, six Downs, twelve Semiplumes, fourteen Bristles, and the unthinkably, unimaginably low four Filoplumes?

 

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Now Rocket Johnson Junior

Seen here in a mugshot

 

and his best friend, The Good Doctor Rico Codwall, were rather determined to work out this particular intrigue themselves one lazy Summer afternoon late last August, right before the Perseids finally showed themselves in the dark marklekark northern skies of the New Mexican plateaus, hovering right above their pale little rust-colored two-story pressed-adobe bungalow named Glendon Salisbury

 

Westward view out Glendon Salisbury's front porch

 

that they'd recently acquired on deep discount from a highly motivated desert inn-keep named Feets McGooey, who'd finally broken free, moved out to Kentucky to fulfill his lifelong Farrier ambitions despite a debilitating hay-fever allergy and a general disdain for anything remotely quadrupedal, as evidenced by his long-standing MySpace® page, "Die Die All Ye Dining Room Tables Die Die Death To You All And The Same Fate Shall Apply To All Those Who Dare Manufacturer These Vile Four Legged Atrocities and God Bless America."

Last known photo of Feels

 

Of course, Rocket Johnson Junior being a rather resourceful, somewhat notoriously shady fellow hailing from the rougher parts of Queensland, felt it entirely necessary, despite having absolutely no real necessity whatsoever, that in order to properly solve The Barn Owl Conundrum all Owl-breadbox related Vaseline® supplies be illegally sourced and imported with the utmost efficiency across state lines using his network of underground petroleum jelly Coyotes, whose extensive expertise in smuggling discount bath product contraband was rivaled by none, and who were known to whistle entire symphonies while working, much to the confusion of local law enforcement who insisted they could swear he was talking to invisible collaborators.

 

An intense Rocket Johnson Junior contemplates The Traveling Salesman Problem

 

However, the real meat going into solving this immensely important problem was optimistically carried out and valiantly attempted by the ever jovial Good Doctor Rico Codwall,

 

Rico joyfully performing experiments in his laboratory

 

a highly distractible, yet undeniably gifted man, particularly at solving such obtuse endeavors like fitting some not yet determined quantity of typically nocturnal Tytonidae into rather small spaces for reasons completely unclear to anyone in particular, and if anything at all unflattering could ever be mentioned about him, it'd be his tendency towards getting lost in parking lots, indoor malls, and casual dining restaurant chains, particularly while attempting to navigate his way back from frequent restroom visits due to an unattended food sensitivity situation repeatedly ignored to the great dismay of a very many molded porcelain water sculptures throughout town, which he would often narrate in a solemn, BBC-style voiceover for dramatic effect, as though the owls themselves were critically observing every move.

Microscopic evidence of The Good Doctor Rico Codwall's rather disrupted and disturbed micro biome

The Barn Owl Conundrum first showed up on The Good Doctor Rico Codwall's plate several years back, while thumbing through an advertising pamphlet found on the bathroom floor of a Jiffy Lube® owned and operated by his dear friend, and fellow IBS brother-in-arms, Louis Lexingfield,

Lewis Lexingfield chatting in the manager's office of Jiffy Lube®

 

whom he first met exchanging Sensitive Skin Wet Ones® in the lavatory of the local Chili's® after a particularly messy incident whose particulars will be presently spared in the reader's best interests.

Instead here's a photo of the Little Good Doctor Rico Codwall with his parents

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The precise origins of The Barn Owl Conundrum are highly contested, and much speculation surrounds the whole undertaking, although The Good Doctor Rico Codwall's focus remained firmly on the acquisition of a reasonable quantity of fully live American Eastern Barn Owls to cover — at minimum — the expected value of The Barn Owl Conundrum's solution space plus two standard deviations, and so taking into account these initial conditions, The Good Doctor Rico Codwall concluded that no more than 23 medium-sized American Eastern Barn Owls good and sufficient for the endeavor at hand, which he promptly ordered from Amazon Prime.

 

The Good Doctor blows up his breadbox

 

Rather unfortunately, a roving band of PETA activists, having hacked into The Barn Owl Conundrum's official contestant mailing list, illegally intercepted and subsequently destroyed all en route American Eastern Barn Owl packages, causing The Good Doctor Rico Codwall to narrowly miss The Barn Owl Conundrum's hard deadline, further emphasizing The Good Doctor Rico Codwall's regrettable tendency to procrastinate in direct proportion to relative importance. Rocket could only shrug, muttering to an empty corner, "Well, at least the owls got an early vacation."

 

Seen here, Rocket Johnson Junior and The Good Doctor Rico Codwall in happier times

 

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One month later, while Rocket Johnson Junior and The Good Doctor Rico Codwall were out back of Glendon Salisbury fashioning single legs out of Piñon pine in order to repair the furniture that Feets McGooey had left behind in a state of tripodal retardation, a letter arrived, declaring that The Barn Owl Conundrum's final submission date had been extended two months due to "... recent and widespread Owl-related terrorist activities," and as further stated within the transmittance, "... that nationwide American Eastern Barn Owl populations have been nearly eradicated by animal advocacy organizations looking to prevent 'any opportunities for such future misuses of these majestic, beautiful creatures,' thereby leaving the presently elected decision-making body of The Barn Owl Conundrum committee no choice but to unprecedentedly allow substitutions with the Western version of the American Barn Owl."

 

Here we see The Good Doctor Rico Codwall wishing he'd not earlier blown up his mid-nineteenth century artisanal, northern Finnish, lower flatlands region, 16 x 8 inch (40 x 20 cm) standard hinged, well-fixtured breadbox.

The End.